Sorry if my last post wasn’t very clear, I was conscious that I hadn’t updated in a while and just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know I was doing okay.
I had my second scan on 30 March, a week ago (seems like much longer) and the nurse gave me an external tummy scan and the baby measured 6 weeks, where as the week before it’d measured 7 weeks 2 days. So she gave me an internal scan, which I was dreading in case I bled again but thankfully she was much gentler this time and the baby measured at 8 weeks 3 days!! So I’d gained a day somewhere, somehow!!
The colposcopy doctor came in and told me that my smear test had come back negative. I’d been torturing myself with thoughts of my smear coming back positive and then having to decide whether to get treatment or not etc etc. Luckily I don’t need to worry about that anymore.
The doctor also told me that I do have cervical erosion and thrush. She gave me a prescription for pessaries which she says are perfectly fine to take whilst pregnant. Although the pharmacist has given me twice the amount I’m sure I was supposed to get so I’ll ask the midwife tomorrow. I’ll also tell her about the minute amount of spotting I had on Saturday night. Although I’ve read that spotting throughout pregnancy is common with cervical erosion but I was still worried sick when I saw it.
Mostly everyone knows about the pregnancy now, except people from both mine’s and DH’s work. We’ve decided to wait until the 12 week scan to tell them.
We were at Toys R Us with my sister, her husband and my nephew at the weekend and I felt myself drawn to the pushchairs and cots. And I even found one pushchair and cot that I really liked but of course this is the first time I’ve looked at these kinds of things so know things might change but it wasn’t until I spotted the tiny baby baths that I got butterflies in my tummy, strange huh!
It was really good being able to look and think “I’ll need to buy some of this stuff” :0)
I’d also like to offer my condolences to Jan and her daughter Steph. Steph got a BFP after a recent FET (after a bad reaction to IVF drugs) but sadly miscarried over Easter. I know the complete devastation I feel every time I see blood so cannot imagine how she feels. You are both in my thoughts x
Add a comment 6 April 2010
Just a quick one to say everything is going well, I’m totally shattered and will update the blog tomorrow hopefully.
3 comments 31 March 2010
There really is a baby growing inside me! :o)
There was a heartbeat which I couldn’t see but DH and the nurse both saw it blinking away.
The baby is measuring at 7 weeks 2 days so I didn’t ovulate when I thought, in fact DH’s little swimmers stuck around for 4 days (until Valentine’s Day) to fertilise one of my eggs. Which matches perfectly with the spotting I had, I wonder if this was conception??
So no wonder all those HPT’s came back negative, it was too early to test. I was only 12DPO when I had the wine that night, if I’d known I was only 12 DPO I’d never have had that wine but still, can’t change that now.
I didn’t get a scan photo but I’ll get one next week and will post it for all to see :o)
Now the bad news…
When the nurse took the wand out (did I say it was an internal scan?) there was blood!
Of course my heart sank, mind you it did have a high height to fall, as I’d just been told everything looked perfect.
The nurse asked if I’d had any cramps this morning, prior to the scan, which I didn’t and I’d just been to the loo 2 mins before the scan and there was no blood.
After getting dressed she got me to sit down and explained that it was probably cervical bleeding, ie just the outside of the cervix and that the blood probably wasn’t coming from my womb as the scan didn’t show any blood outside the sac, ie in the womb.
I don’t know if it was because the dread and fear were so evident on my face but she asked me if I’d like her to have a look at my cervix. Of course I jumped at the chance (and was so glad the bleeding had happened in front of her eyes!).
Boy this one hurt! It was just like getting a smear test and she did actually take a smear as a precaution as I’m due a smear anyway. She said by looking at it that the blood was definitely coming from the cervix and not from inside my womb…phew!!
So I’ve to go back next week for an external scan this time, she reckons the probe might have irritated the cervix and because I’ll be a week further on in my pregnancy (fingers and toes crossed) the external scan will pick up the baby fine this time.
She is going to speak to her colleagues who know more about this, as she is a fertility nurse I suppose, and will tell me what they think next week.
I had plans to tell family and friends today but I’m going to leave it until next week now. We’re not going to tell my step-daughter until next week either.
I’ve checked the net and others have suffered from this, sometimes it can be diagnosed as Cervical Erosion. Intercourse can cause bleeding and 2 girls from work had this, so I’m hoping it’s just that my cervix is very sensitive to being “touched” at the minute :-s
Stick button stick!!!!
The first time I’ll ever “see” my baby might be 2moro morning and I’m filled with both dread and excitement.
I’m scared that all the hopes and dreams I’ve had over the past 3 weeks will be shattered, that there’ll be nothing on that screen.
But I’m also so excited that I’ll see a tiny fluttering heartbeat and my heart will melt and will never ever be the same again!!!
Look what I’ve been doing, creating little graphics to show the size of my baby :o)
I felt great this morning and I do think it’s becuase I went to see Pascal, my acupuncturist, last night. He said that he did think about turning pregnant women away who wanted treatment for morning sickness and fatigue, as the women became so worried when they stopped having pregnancy symptoms!! Luckily he hasn’t! :o)
The day before I got the BFP I’d been to see Pascal, I told him that my periods hadn’t come yet, they were 11 days late and I was feeling bloated. He took my pulse, as he does every week, and said my heart channel was very full! This meant nothing to me, only that I’d never heard him say that about me before. I asked him if he could find anything physically wrong with me that would be keeping my periods away. He said “can’t see anything wrong but you might be pregnant!”.
I completely dismissed this and we continued our session as normal. Before leaving I told him that I was due to phone the clinic in the morning, and he asked me to call him once I’d spoken to the nurse. You know the nurse story, so I texted him to tell him I’d got a BFP, needless to say he was happy for me.
The next time I went to see him, last Wednesday, upon taking my pulse he told me that yes I was very pregnant! On the way home though I started to get cramps and they continued for a good few hours. Luckily they stopped and there was no blood but I did wonder if it was the acupuncture and for a minute thought about not going back, I really didn’t want anything to threaten this pregnancy. However as I felt okay the following morning I decided to go back last night and I told him about the cramps. I don’t think he did anything too different this week but I haven’t had the cramps and I don’t feel as sick :o)
I’ve to continue seeing him until I’m 12 weeks, until the risk of miscarriage decreases and then go and see him nearer the end if I want. He says it’s not dangerous to get acupuncture after 12 weeks but the benefits come in the 1st 12 weeks. If I feel very tired or really sick I’ll go and see him after 12 weeks but think I’d limit the visits to once a month or as and when required. Pascal does recognise that costs play a factor and praised me for making such a committment to visit him every week to get my BFP! He did say a lot of people only come once or twice and that’s not really helpful.
Once I’m 12 weeks I’ll have spent a total of £840 with him and can say, hand on heart, that it has been worth every penny and that £35 a week will then go to the baby fund!! :o)
The pregnancy symptoms are starting to show themselves, well I hope that’s what it is and it isn’t the winter vomiting bug that my in-laws have had recently.
I’ve been really hungry for the past week or so and was relieved to find when I weighed myself this morning that I’ve only put on 1lb in a fortnight. I don’t know how this is possible as I’m eating like a horse and feel I’ll soon be the size of a house, and I’ll not even have a bump to blame it on.
I’ve started to feel more nauseous, not in the morning as I wake up ravenous but it’s more in the afternoon and then again before bed. Usually having something to eat helps… what a great excuse to not count every calorie!
I had a bit of a dizzy turn in a shop on Saturday afternoon but luckily I didn’t faint, here’s hoping I don’t get any more of these.
Mind you my M-I-L was telling me that she fainted all the time when she was pregnant with DH!!
But what a magic feeling waking up on Mothers Day this year knowing (hoping) that come Mothers Day next year I’ll have a 4 month old! :o) It was good wrting cards for my Mum and M-I-L with “…. and bump x” too and I’m looking forward to all the chances I’ll get to write that!
I’ve been unable to help myself, I’ve started looking at nursery furniture, bedding, decor etc!
Just last week I was saying that I don’t want to look at anything like that or even think about it until I’m at least 6 months, shows you how little self control I’ve got… I only lasted to the 6 week mark!! :o)
I’ve decided on almost everything for the nursery apart from the cot and now I’m worried the company selling the bedding I like will no longer sell them come September when I was thinking I’d actually allow myself to buy such things.
So that’s yet another thing I’m worrying about, but at least it’s a good thing to worry about I suppose. I’m grateful I’m getting the chance to do it. But I also feel like I don’t want to jinx anything by looking too early, I’ll certainly not be buying anything for a long time but can guarantee that my Mum won’t be as strict. In fact I’ll be surprised if she hasn’t bought something already and isn’t telling me!
For the moment though I’m trying to content myself with knitting baby clothes for my 3 cousins and our best man’s girlfriend who are all pregnant. It’s great being part of their club, even though they don’t know it yet :o)
And on Saturday when out shopping I saw lots of bumps and it made me smile for a change!
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Add a comment 12 March 2010
For some reason I keep thinking that it’ll disappear (can’t bring myself to say baby just yet, just in case) and even though I’ve not had any bleeding, I think that somehow my body will just absorb it and the pregnancy tests will return to being negative. I know it sounds far fetched but I can’t get my head around the fact that this is really happening to me.
I don’t feel pregnant! Don’t get me wrong my boobs are sore but they’re always sore when I’m due my period and for the first few days I’m on it. My nipples aren’t getting darker, which I’ve read apparently happens. I’ve only had a couple of times where I’ve felt nauseous but this could happen to anyone, any healthy unpregnant person (I’m making up new words now!!). I’m hungry quite a lot but again people who are on diets get this, people who don’t eat filling foods get this! I’d even started a super boost week diet plan 4 days before I did the first test, in preparation for next month when I’d be skinnier and sure that would help me conceive!!
As I am still in a state of disbelief I took another internet cheapy test last Saturday (24 DPO):
And those digital Clearblue tests I ordered arrived yesterday so had to pee on at least one straight away:
The display says “Pregnant 3+” meaning that I conceived over 3 weeks ago, which thankfully is the case. However I couldn’t help but wonder if it would say “Pregnant 1-2” meaning that my levels of hCG were deteriorating and that my pregnancy would be over soon! Don’t you just hate the way infertility screws with all rational thought!!!
My S-I-L picked me up a booking pack for the midwife yesterday…. the midwife!! I did say “Only pregnant people need one of those!” To which she replied “yes you!” I honestly didn’t even think about that, I keep thinking that my pregnancy won’t be confirmed until I go for this scan. Until then people are only taking my word for it, I could be lying!!! Is is just my suspicious mind or don’t health care professionals think like that???
Even though you are only weeks pregnant you’ve got to make a “booking in” appointment with the midwife and she will go over everything, take blood, maybe do a physical exam, take urine for tests and I do believe one of them will be a pregnancy test…phew! At least they’ll get to see for themselves if it’s all a joke before they book me in for a 12 week scan! I handed in the form this morning and a midwife should contact me within 2 weeks, by which time I’ll hopefully have had my scan and will maybe start taking things more seriously.
I did go in to Waterstone’s yesterday and look at the pregnancy books but couldn’t bring myself to buy one, I’ve promised myself that come the 23rd and everything is okay I’ll indulge…big time!! :-)
There is one other thing that has been praying on my mind since I took the test last Thursday. I’ve got a friend who’s about to start her 4th IVF cycle this week and we met for lunch just days before I did the test. She’s been emailing every day or so to ask if AF has arrived yet as the last time we spoke I was positive AF was coming and she knew I’d tried Clomid.
I know what it’s like to be kept in the dark when you suspect someone is pregnant, see my post “Is She?” in my old blog. It’s horrible and you feel alienated and that’s why I feel so bad that I haven’t told her yet. BUT I don’t want her to feel deflated before she starts this next, and maybe final, cycle of IVF. She said she was feeling very relaxed and optimistic this time. I’d put her in touch with Pascal my acupuncturist and she’s had great benefits from seeing him.
As she works beside my Mum, my Mum has told her that I’ve got an appointment back at the clinic on the 23rd. Which isn’t a lie but still I feel bad and I’ve had to stop myself a couple of times from emailing her and telling her the truth. I’m only thinking about her and how I’d feel if it were me but I also know I would take it hard if I were about to start IVF again and a friend got pregnant. I’d feel like I was getting left behind, that I was the only infertile one left.
Her cousin went through her first IVF cycle, fell pregnant and is now due in May and she is going to be her birth partner. Even doing that will be hard for someone who’s struggled with infertility for over 7 years but coupled with the fact that she may get a negative from her own cycle around the same time is daunting and I don’t want to add any more pressure!
It’s one responsibility I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to have, I’ve always been the infertile one and maybe I can understand how my pregnant friends must have felt before telling me.
3 comments 10 March 2010
I found out 2 days ago that I’m going to be a Mum and I am still struggling to believe it’s true. What if those tests I took on Thursday are wrong?
My Mum tells me that you can get a false negative but never a false positive (I’m therefore assuming that I got a false negative when I took a test when I was 16 DPO, surely!). I was 22 DPO when I got these positive results above, 22 days! I did my first test at 9 DPO although I knew it was far too early but I didn’t think I’d have to wait another 13 days to get a BFP!
I have longed to be a Mum since 2005 when I can remember the first time I felt broody.
At this very minute there is a tiny baby growing inside my tummy… it’s so surreal! :-)